This is my Godfather 4 Fanfic, annotated.
Declassified by order of the President
September 24, 2019
SUBJECT: Telephone Conversation with President Zelenskyy of Ukraine
Participants: President Zelenskyy of Ukraine
Notetakers: The White House Situation Room
Date, Time July 25, 2019, 9:03-9:33 am EDT
and Place: Residence
The President: Congratulations on a great victory. We all watched from the United States and you did a terrific job. The way you came from behind, somebody who wasn’t given much of a chance, and you ended up winning easily. It’s a fantastic achievement. Congratulations.
This is how a con man talks.
President Zelenskyy: You are absolutely right Mr. President. We did win big and we worked hard for this. We worked a lot but I would like to confess to you that I had an opportunity to learn from you. We used quite a few of your skills and knowledge and were able to use it as an example for our elections and yes it is true that these were unique elections. We were in a unique situation that we were able to achieve a unique success. I’m able to tell you the following; the first time you called me to congratulate me when I won my presidential election, and the second time you are now calling me when my party won the parliamentary election. I think I should run more often so you can call me more often and we can talk over the phone more often.
Trump does not start listening to you until you compliment him multiple times.
The President: (laughter) That’s a very good idea. I think your country is very happy about that.
Gibberish, but Trump is happy.
President Zelenskyy: Well yes, to tell you the truth, we are trying to work hard because we wanted to drain the swamp here in our country. We brought in many many new people. Not the old politicians, not the typical politicians, because we want to have a new format and a new type of government. You are a great teacher for us and in that.
Trump likes it when you say his catchphrases to him, because he knows you learned from him, and so you are beneath him. It also reminds him of his happier reality TV days when the common folk yelled “you’re fired!” at him.
The President: Well it is very nice of you to say that. I will say that we do a lot for Ukraine. We spend a lot of effort and a lot of time. Much more than the European countries are doing and they should be helping you more than they are. Germany does almost nothing for you. All they do is talk and I think it’s something that you should really ask them about. When I was speaking to Angela Merkel she talks Ukraine, but she doesn’t do anything. A lot of the European countries are the same way so I think it’s something you want to look at but the United States has been very very good to Ukraine. I wouldn’t say that it’s reciprocal necessarily because things are happening that are not good but the United States has been very very good to Ukraine.
This is where the crimes start. Please confirm power dynamic back to me.
President Zelenskyy: Yes you are absolutely right. Not only 100%, but actually 1000% and I can tell you the following; I did talk to Angela Merkel and I did meet with her I also met and talked with Macron and I told them that they are not doing quite as much as they need to be doing on the issues with the sanctions. They are not enforcing the sanctions. They are not working as much as they should work for Ukraine. It turns out that even though logically, the European Union should be our biggest partner but technically the United States is a much bigger partner than the European Union and I’m very grateful to you for that because the United States is doing quite a lot for Ukraine. Much more than the European Union especially when we are talking about sanctions against the Russian Federation. I would also like to thank you for your great support in the area of defense. We are ready to continue to cooperate for the next steps specifically we are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes.
We need your missiles 1000% is good leverage for Trump to use. It is explicitly stated by Zelensky to emphasize his self awareness.
The President: I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with this whole situation with Ukraine, they say Crowdstrike... I guess you have one of your wealthy people... The server, they say Ukraine has it. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. I think you’re surrounding yourself with some of the same people. I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it. As you saw yesterday, that whole nonsense ended with a very poor performance by a man named Robert Mueller, an incompetent performance, but they say a lot of it started with Ukraine. Whatever you can do, it’s very important that you do it if that’s possible.
AG William Barr is now directly implicated in a scheme to discredit the Mueller report with the help of a foreign government the day after Robert Mueller testified before congress, by the President himself. I wonder if he will be brought up again.
President Zelenskyy: Yes it is very important for me and everything that you just mentioned earlier. For me as a President, it is very important and we are open for any future cooperation. We are ready to open a new page on cooperation in relations between the United States and Ukraine. For that purpose, I just recalled our ambassador from United States and he will be replaced by a very competent and very experienced ambassador who will work hard on making sure that our two nations are getting closer. I would also like and hope to see him having your trust and your confidence and have personal relations with you so we can cooperate even more so. I will personally tell you that one of my assistants spoke with Mr. Giuliani just recently and we are hoping very much that Mr. Giuliani will be able to travel to Ukraine and we will meet once he comes to Ukraine. I just wanted to assure you once again that you have nobody but friends around us. I will make sure that I surround myself with the best and most experienced people. I also wanted to tell you that we are friends. We are great friends and you Mr. President have friends in our country so we can continue our strategic partnership. I also plan to surround myself with great people and in addition to that investigation, I guarantee as the President of Ukraine that all the investigations will be done openly and candidly.. That I can assure you.
This document really runs the gamut of showing astounding criminal stupidity and being astoundingly pathetic. Emphasis on Zelensky being the first one to bring up Giuliani, which pretty well establishes that this is all ongoing discussions and not new information, which will be directly stated in a bit.
This next block of text is all very important. Consider the bolded text to be double bolded.
The President: Good because I heard you had a prosecutor who was very good and he was shut down and that’s really unfair. A lot of people are talking about that, the way they shut your very good prosecutor down and you had some very bad people involved. Mr. Giuliani is a highly respected man. He was the mayor of New York City, a great mayor, and I would like him to call you. I will ask him to call you along with the Attorney General. Rudy very much knows what’s happening and he is a very capable guy. If you could speak to him that would be great. The former ambassador from the United States, the woman, was bad news and the people she was dealing with in the Ukraine were bad news so I just want to let you know that. The other thing, There’s a lot of talk about Biden’s son, that Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people want to find out about that so whatever you can do with the Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it... It sounds horrible to me.
This is the end of the Trump presidency, or it is the complete undemocratic seizure of absolute power by Trump and McConnell. You cannot do this. Trump is not allowed to do this. No one is allowed to do this. If Trump can do this and suffer no consequence once, he can do it as much as he wants. There is no three strike rule later. This can never be precedent for anyone else’s defense of similar action. The ramifications of Trump remaining president after this are an established totalitarian regime. Oh, Barr is now additionally implicated in this scheme to attack the president’s chief political rival with the help of a foreign government. I wonder if he will be mentioned again.
President Zelenskyy: I wanted to tell you about the prosecutor. First of all, I understand and I’m knowledgeable about the situation. Since we have won the absolute majority in our Parliament, the next prosecutor general will be 100% my person, my candidate, who will be approved, by the parliament and will start as a new prosecutor in September. He or she will look into the situation, specifically to the company that you mentioned in this issue. The issue of the investigation of the case is actually the issue of making sure to restore the honesty so we will take care of that and will work on the investigation of the case. On top of that, I would kindly ask you if you have any additional information that you can provide to us, it would be very helpful for the investigation to make sure that we administer justice in our country with regard to the Ambassador to the United States from Ukraine as far as I recall her name was Ivanovich. It was great that you were the first one who told me that she was a bad ambassador because I agree with you 100%. Her attitude towards me was far from the best as she admired the previous President and she was on his side. She would not accept me as a new President well enough.
I believe a correction is needed here as Zelensky has misstated Ambassador Ivanovich being ambassador to the United States, but she was really the ambassador to Ukraine. The male ambassador mentioned as being fired in a previous block of text was the one to the United States. They were both fired. Anyway, Zelensky says all the wrong things here in more ways than one, because he plainly states that this information has been previously relayed to him (presumably by Giuliani, there is more about this in the whistleblower report) and he agrees to investigate everything with a “100% my person” prosecutor. Why has Zelensky not been impeached yet either?
The President: Well, she’s going to go through some things. I will have Mr. Giuliani give you a call and I am also going to have Attorney General Barr call and we will get to the bottom of it. I’m sure you will figure it out. I heard the prosecutor was treated very badly and he was a very fair prosecutor so good luck with everything. Your economy is going to get better and better I predict. You have a lot of assets. It’s a great country. I have many Ukrainian friends, their incredible people.
“Well, she’s going to go through some things.” WHAT?! NO! Bad Trump! Barr is explicitly named and connected with Giuliani’s efforts again. This is the third time Trump says he wants Zelensky to coordinate with his attorney general in regards to these multiple illegal requests. Trump specifically mentions the Ukrainian prosecutor again, whose removal he had established as their motivation to investigate Biden. Biden, regardless of anything else you can say about him, was at the time of this conversation Trump’s chief political rival. Trump then bluntly segues from reiterating the crimes he is committing into saying he predicts Ukraine’s economy will improve.
President Zelenskyy: I would like to tell you that I also have quite a few Ukrainian friends that live in the United States. Actually last time I traveled to the United States, I stayed in New York near Central Park and I stayed at the Trump Tower. I will talk to them and I hope to see them again in the future. I also wanted to thank you for your invitation to visit the United States, specifically Washington DC. On the other hand, I also want to ensure you that we will be very serious about the case and will work on the investigation. As to the economy, there is much potential for our two countries and one of the issues that is very important for Ukraine is energy independence. I believe we can be very successful and cooperating on energy independence with United States. We are already working on cooperation. We are buying American oil but I am very hopeful for a future meeting. We will have more time and more opportunities to discuss these opportunities and get to know each other better. I would like to thank you very much for your support.
Zelensky openly states that he has bribed Trump through his New York hotel (not the Trump Tower apartment building). He then begins asking for something in the form of an official visit to Washington, DC. Zelensky is no longer just complimenting Trump and Trump has stopped listening.
The President: Good. Well, thank you very much and I appreciate that. I will tell Rudy and Attorney General Barr to call. Thank you. Whenever you would like to come to the White House, feel free to call. Give us a date and we’ll work that out. I look forward to seeing you.
Trump solicits Zelensky to contact AG Barr for the fourth time, again alongside Giuliani. Trump thanks Zelensky for the bribe, and for the compliments Trump had honed in on while Zelensky was making his requests. Spoiler: Despite multiple promises, Trump never hosts Zelensky in DC.
President Zelenskyy: Thank you very much. I would be very happy to come and would be happy to meet with you personally and get to know you better. I am looking forward to our meeting and I also would like to invite you to visit Ukraine and come to the city of Kyiv which is a beautiful city. We have a beautiful country which would welcome you. On the other hand, I believe that on September 1 we will be in Poland and we can meet in Poland hopefully. After that, it might be a very good idea for you to travel to Ukraine. We can either take my plane and go to Ukraine or we can take your plane, which is probably much better than mine.
Nice try with the pathetic self-effacing compliment, but Trump is no longer listening to anything Zelensky is saying.
The President: Okay, we can work that out. I look forward to seeing you in Washington and maybe in Poland because I think we are going to be there at that time.
Trump restates the DC visit because that is the last part of the bribe he remembers anyone saying, and then repeats what Zelensky had just said back to him like he is providing new information. In his mind he is just repeating the words “perfect call.” Note: Trump did not go to Poland, maybe because of a hurricane, or maybe because he had already been aware of the forthcoming whistleblower complaint stemming from this phone call for a month by the time the event was to occur.
President Zelenskyy: Thank you very much Mr. President.
Surprisingly few crimes in this statement.
The President: Congratulations on a fantastic job you’ve done. The whole world was watching. I’m not sure it was so much of an upset but congratulations.
Trump is comparing Zelensky to himself. Zelensky’s non-upset was nice, BUT not like Trump’s very good upset. Congratulations.
President Zelenskyy: Thank you Mr. President bye-bye.
- - End of conversation - -
“Bye-bye.” That is how one of the most important documents in the history of America ends. The question to whom it is addressed is still up for debate. Is it to Donald Trump (and William Barr, because holy cow that was really bad for him too!) or is it meant for American democracy. What a weird question! Who could have predicted this?! Please vote Nov. 8th.